On Friendship
I’m sure you’ve read articles about what you need in order to thrive as you age. There are lots of sources for lists about what you need, but here are my favorites:
1. Get good sleep
2. Eat a healthy diet
3. Exercise
4. Cultivate an optimistic attitude
5. Maintain strong relationships with friends
It’s that last one that is on my mind today, probably because I have leaned on my friends heavily in the last six weeks or so. There’s been a lot of heavy stuff going on. I’ve been to four funerals since mid-February, for instance. I also had a medical treatment—but more about that in a moment.
Like you, I have many acquaintances. Among those there is a much smaller number I call friends. I am blessed to have two groups of women that I spend time with on a regular basis. One is my Soroptimist club that meets weekly. The other is actually two groups at church, my Bible Study and the Deaconess group. The regularity of gathering is rewarding. Without thinking about it or even being intentional, I get to know the members and they get to know me. Sometimes there are intentional comments that hit the target and other times there are off the cuff remarks that become treasures.
What’s the difference between an acquaintance and a friend? Glad you asked. Here are some examples:
1. You can call a friend and request a ride to the Emergency Room after you have had a bad fall no matter the time of day (or night) and a friend will act on this immediately. I have one friend I have taken to the ER twice and she’s taken me once. She says it’s now my turn again.
But it’s about more than the ride. We stay with each other for the duration. We sometimes accompany each other in the exam room because we have both learned that the patient never hears everything the doctor says. We listen and we pray.
2. A friend is often someone you spent a lot of time with in the past but no longer lives near you. When you get together you can pick up the conversation where you left off. You reach out when something happens that you know means a lot to them, like when Dave calls one of his buddies because of a Packer win.
Or you find yourself wishing they were with you when something significant happens in your life. You want to share those moments.
3. A friend is someone who notices when you go through something and comments on your improvement. For instance, I recently had a chemical peel on my face to reduce the incidence of cancers. As I understand it, the top layer of skin, damaged by decades of sun, was removed. There were two weeks of applying the cream twice a day followed by horrendous scars and blotches that left me looking like a leper.
I wore a mask for the first week, but since the Soroptimist meetings are at lunch, I was bare faced. I explained why I looked like that. Slowly, the blotches are fading but what is delightful is the number of friends who comment on how the recovery is progressing. Last Sunday at church one of my friends exclaimed “You look like yourself!” She is a particularly encouraging person, but I have found all the comments on my fading blotches to be heartening. It’s more about paying attention than paying a compliment.
Now if only there were a good reason for a friend to say to me, “Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight.” A girl can dream.
I’m sure there are many other ways to identify a true friend. Let me know what you think in the comments.
I have had a few friends that had to be reclassified as acquaintances. After spending time with them, I found myself to be grouchy or disconcerted. That so-called friend’s attitude was so negative that it rubbed off on me. I have found that if I can’t influence their attitude for the better, it’s best to move on when that person insists on negativity.
A few words about #4 on the first list: cultivate a positive attitude. There have been actual studies on this one and people with a healthy positive attitude—not a Pollyanna approach, a realistic positivity—those people actually live longer and find greater success in their chosen field. People who tend to be negative tend to see the cloud while their positive friends find the silver lining. If you want to know more about that, read “Learned Optimism” by Martin Seligman.
So here’s to our true friends! Love them and be grateful for them. We are good for each other’s health.
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